It’s a common question: what do you do at Mass when your children are unsettled – babies crying, toddlers toddling off in random directions, younger children talking or fighting or banging toy tanks and fire engines, older children perhaps reluctant to be there. I collated a few suggestions in the Ten Ten Parents Booklet last year.
A priest friend of mine, who works in a large parish just outside London, has been mulling over these things. After discussions with parents, parishioners, clergy and the parish team, they have put together this leaflet to distribute to parents. It’s always a difficult one this. How do you encourage people, and be clear about some of the expectations and boundaries within the Liturgy, without creating a list of pharisaical rules or being unsympathetic to the huge struggles of parents and families.
This seems like an honourable try to me. What do you think? Any comments or suggestions in the comments box please, and then you can help my friend develop this as it goes along.
For parents at Mass with babies, toddlers or children
The presence of so many parents at Mass with their babies and children is a real blessing for our parish. It shows how vibrant, joyful and alive our community is. Seeing so many families really warms my heart and gives me great hope for the future. So, a huge “thank you” to all parents with children who faithfully come to Mass. You are, indeed, the first and best teachers of your children in the ways of faith. You are doing a great job.
Sometimes parents ask me about what is the best thing to do if their baby or child is behaving in a way that is distracting to others. Having asked the advice of parents, priests and other parishioners, here are some ideas and practical tips that might help and support you:
1. Talk to your children about the parish church. This is a special place because Jesus is there. When we come into God’s house, this is “quiet time” where we speak to Jesus, our friend, in our hearts, as well, as with our prayers and songs.
2. Weekly Mass attendance is important. When attendance is irregular, broken or happens rarely, then it is more difficult for our children to develop the ways of behaving that are appropriate at Mass.
3. When you come into the church, why not bless your child with holy water or, if they are old enough, allow them do it themselves and learn to make the sign of the Cross? These simple rituals will help your child to appreciate that they are in God’s House.
4. Try to get to Mass a little ahead of time, so that you can settle your child for this “quiet time” with Jesus. If parents are rushing into the church at the last moment or arriving late, this is almost impossible to do. It can also be distracting for other parishioners who are trying to prepare themselves spiritually for Mass.
If we are flustered and distracted, our children will pick up on this. If we all work to create a prayerful and composed atmosphere in the church, this will help our children.
A little time before Mass spent preparing your child for the “quiet, special time” with Jesus will help them to understand that the church is a different place to their homes, the park or the school playground. It will help them to distinguish between ways of behaving that are appropriate to different places and circumstances.
Maybe you could kneel down together and say a simple prayer? You might read or get your child to read the words of the opening hymn and reflect on it? Or just sit, bow your heads and offer thirty seconds of quiet time to God?
5. At the church we have a family room where parents can take their children if they are very unsettled. Please make good use of it.
6. We all need to be sensible about noise at Mass. After all, this is public worship with children. But, we all need to be aware of where we are, the sacred things we are taking part in and to have a real respect for those around us. So, don’t rush to take your child out if there is some very “light” noise or murmuring, but if a baby is crying or a child’s behaviour is disruptive, take them to the family room, go into the lobby or, weather permitting, have a wander outside the church.
7. Some parents find sitting between their children helpful, especially if their children talk or tease each other.
8. Walking toddlers around the church during Mass can be distracting for the priest and the congregation. If your toddler is restless then take them for a wander outside the main body of the church.
9. One of the toilets has a changing table for babies if parents need to change nappies. Older children should be encouraged to go to the toilet before they come to Mass. Children going back and forth to the toilet disrupts a prayerful atmosphere.
10. If your child needs distracting give them a “soft” toy or for older children, colouring or religious books. Bunches of keys or “hard” toys made of plastic or metal being shaken, squeaked or banged on the floor can become very distracting. Why not put together a “Jesus” bag or rucksack that has a couple of things in them and becomes part of the weekly preparation for going to Mass?
11. It is perfectly acceptable to bottle feed infants or to give your child a drink of water, but the use of food snacks should be kept to a minimum.
12. Parents must consume the Body of Christ when they receive Holy Communion and NOT give it to their children to play with or eat.
13. After Mass finishes, why not visit the Blessed Sacrament Chapel with your child? If they are old enough, teach them to genuflect before the tabernacle and to light a candle. Then, give them a few moments in “quiet time” thanking Jesus for his friendship and love. These rituals will help your child to appreciate that the Mass is where we meet Jesus in a very special way.
14. After Mass, make sure you bring your children to high-five or say “hello” to the priest or deacon.
15. Coffee and juice are available after the “Family” Mass – this is a good way for parents to get to know each other and for children to make new friendships.
16. Can we strike a balance between an appropriate firmness so that our children learn proper behaviour at Mass and also a certain “light-heartedness”? If our children are to love their Catholic Faith, I think we can.
All families and children are welcome here in the parish church. I thank every one of them for being part of the life of our marvellous parish community.
May God richly bless and protect you and your children.
I don’t mean to be negative but if I was a parent reading this, I’d think it was being written because children are a bit of a problem i.e. people with children are arriving late, parents are giving children food, parents are not taking them out when they’re noisy, kids are going back and forth to the toilet, bringing noisy toys etc etc.
If you want to make parents comfortable I’d stick to a few simple guidelines/rules (5 at the most) e.g. take them out if they’re noisy, don’t let them run around, don’t bring food, don’t bring noisy toys.
I’d separate out the stuff that is about getting the most out of the Mass into a different leaflet or a different section (arrive early, light a candle etc, say hello to the priest). In fact such a leaflet might be useful to everyone, not just people with children.
But that’s just my opinion!
I like this. I noticed he mentioned bottle feeding. When Alfie was new he couldn’t go long without breastfeeding, and I missed almost all of mass taking him out to feed him, as he got older and I became more comfortable I sat on a chair right at the back and fed him quietly (he’s nearly 5 months old now and can wait until after mass), but I think a breastfeeding mother who wasn’t as comfortable at church, or with nursing in public, might like some advice.
My feeling is that it should be ok to nurse a new baby during mass, as all the negatives I’ve heard about it are more, “I don’t want to see THAT” than, “this honestly causes me to stumble”. I think when I feed him, although people are aware what I’m doing, they rarely see anything. In terms of how God feels, I’m sure he’s very happy that I’m nurturing my son, but I don’t want to upset others unnecessarily. I do feel strongly that breastfeeding is unreservedly good for children and mothers, emotionally as well as physically, and is a strike against the objectification of women, so we should find a way to support it, mentioning bottle feeding and not breast doesn’t normalise it.
Perhaps something like, “if your baby needs to breastfeed during mass you are welcome to use our family room if you wish. If possible we’d encourage you to use a cover if nursing in the church, but most importantly we want you to feel comfortable and welcome.”
I agree with that suggestion in the last post for an added para .
Another good and quiet distractor for children can be a postcard-size photo album filled with postcards of religious pictures, paintings of saints/icons or old masters. Children who can’t yet read often like to ‘read’ a book like their older siblings and there are heaps of things to point out and look for in a lot of paintings. You can also change the pictures regularly, or according to the liturgical season.
This seems balanced, though I would like to see an encouragement that it’s ok to breastfeed in the Church as well. Just think of Our Lady of La Leche. ;-) I have nursed my three through Masses in Liverpool, Oxford, and now in the US. Most have had no idea what I was doing, even with me sitting in the front and not using a cover. The only place I’ve had a negative comment was in the US.
For good colouring books (including a children’s Mass Book to colour in) see our resources at http://www.secondspring.co.uk. We have a new, improved edition of the Mass Book coming out in the autumn!
That’s a very good initiative. I’m visiting Seattle here in the U.S. and I saw something very similar at St. Alphonsus (fondly referred to as “St. Al’s” http://stalseattle.org/parish/). It was a short note saying how much families are appreciated and giving some ideas for what to do if the baby starts crying uncontrollably or the toddler gets hurt and needs attention. They also had a very nice “cheat sheet” with prayers in Latin and English so that people who did not know them well could learn them. I thought all this was just wonderful and I will suggest that my parish in France do something like this.
Good grief, archaelogycat — CAN YOU BE “MOTHER EARTH” somewhere else if you insist on uncovering in the front row? No wonder you got comments. Do you think the priest wants to be holding up the body and blood of Christ and see you flashing your titties? It’s RUDE and inconsiderate. If you must nurse ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS bring a cover. I don’t want to see any nipples in church, no matter how “noble.” As “mother earth” as you are, the Mass really isn’t “all about you and your kid.”
Well said, mags.
Anon99 – Feeding clothes are perfectly designed today to discretely cradle your child without revealing a thing. I fed all five of my children, so I know. Being a breast-feeding mother does not mean that you sit at the front of the church exposing your ‘titties’ to the priest whilst he is consecrating the sacrifice. Your comment is insulting.
Mothers this means that where ever you should happen to be sitting in worship, when a baby needs its mother’s milk, you feed discretely on demand and nobody around barely notices a breeze, and the child is quiet and un-disruptive – and a content child does not draw attention to you.
God knew what he was doing when he made women, His design is amazing.
I have always found that the most difficult age was up to 4, when strong wills are forming, tantrums etc. A little flat ‘school packed lunch’ soft bag, is the perfect shape for books, paper, pens, pencils and fits perfectly on a chair or pew, whist the child can sit on the floor before the chair. This works brilliantly in churches with no children liturgy or family room, especially if you are the only parent practising.
I have always encouraged my children to stop and do the Our Father, and encouraged them to be extra still whilst the homily is given. It is but for a short time, very difficult, (especially with twins), but if you persevere and do not take to heart any negative comments, it will pay off, and your children will soon be wishing to serve at the altar. I have always found the support of my parishioners and priest very welcome.
Yes, I know how “God made women” I AM one. The woman said “Most have had no idea what I was doing, even with me sitting in the front and not using a cover.” Is English your first language? “WITHOUT A COVER” Hello? That means titty flashing. If you are covered, I don’t have a problem I DO have a problem with exhibitionists. If “Most had no idea” that means SOME did. IF one is covered, fine. IF nipples have ANY chance of being exposed, then do it somewhere other than the front row..
English is not my first language Anon99, Love is.
I think you misunderstood that a cover is a separate square sheet usually of muslin, that a breast feeding mother, could if they so wish, drape over their being whilst feeding their baby, however with todays nursing clothing this is not required.
I think to call breasts, breasts is much more noble and acceptable and usually the nipple would be in the babies mouth.
God Bless You x Woman x
Anon99 – whoever said anything about flashing anyone? I assure you that I don’t not expose myself when feeding. I sit in the front row so my other children can see and learn (as per the advice of my former confessor). I do not cover because it ends up taking more time, resulting in a screaming baby (and since my babies dislike being covered, it actually means I’m more prone to flash people that way). As mags said, it is perfectly possible to feed without revealing anything. But more than that, take a look at all the Church’s artwork of Mary breastfeeding – there is nothing shameful about it. God bless.
And yes, some had an idea that I was feeding, but not because I was exposed. Simply they knew because of the position my babe was in (as in, he was cradled; he doesn’t sleep like that). But I was not revealing my nipples to the congregation.
Three stray thoughts from a single, with the underlying theme that, whatever strategies are deployed with infants and young children at Mass, their intent should be one of growing the participation of the young ones in a way that is appropriate to their age and appropriate to the nature of the Liturgy itself:
1. Is arriving early always going to be a good thing? When I was responsible for altar servers, I recognised some families with younger children who would arrive “just in time”, one effect of which was to reduce the opportunity for the younger children to become unsettled before Mass began. The consequence for me was that I had to be careful not to assign all the serving jobs too early or their older siblings would have been unfairly disadvantaged.
2. I am not convinced by the idea of toys and colouring books at Mass, for children of any age. It does not promote a style of participation that prepares children for a more mature participation as they grow older. It seems to me to be catechetically unsound. I expect that children will first of all be able to access the “actions” of the Liturgy – such as the sign of the Cross, standing (straight) at the right time, sitting (still and attentively) at the right time, kneeling properly. Not at all easy, I know, and there will be times when it is less successful…. And it does need to be role modelled by the grown ups at Mass to be really effective. I have sometimes wondered whether there would be greater mileage in catechists sitting with families with younger children in the Church to help in achieving this rather than taking the children out of the Church for a “children’s liturgy of the word”. [Liturgy of the Word, with Gospel procession, candles, incense …. lots of “actions” for younger children to access.]
3. Should some thought be given to where a family with children position themselves in Church? Being at the back, or round a corner, where the young ones cannot see anything that is happening in the sanctuary is more likely to lead to them being distracted, and it isn’t going to grow their participation. It is tempting, though, for the parents who might feel that it is a way in which their children will be less distracting to others. I am all in favour of families sitting at the front where the children can see what is happening – and be encouraged to watch and be attentive to the actions. It takes a little bit of courage on the part of the parents, and, at times, will demand charity from other grown ups present. Could not catechists help out with families who are doing this? I am not sure how far this would apply to infants … but I would still err on the side of them being at the front rather than the back.
What I do find attractive in the ideas in the main post is the sense that coming to Church for Mass is coming to a place that is not the same as home, playground, friends houses etc. and that children need to gain the behaviours that are appropriate to this difference.
I forgot to say this earlier, but God bless you, Father, for thinking through all this. You’ll be in my prayers. :)
[…] is a discussion on another blog where a priest is, commendably, trying to craft guidelines for families so they are welcomed and […]
mags and archeologycat, well done.
Ok good idea about the leaflet but my advice to you is as follows:
Good until point 4
I think noisy kids present while parishioners are trying to prepare for Mass will be just as distracting as having them come in at the last minute. I don’t like lateness but the less time they are in church, the less time they have to wriggle and get bored or noisy… Just to let you into my motherly mind set.
Point 6 needs to be removed – you have told them about the family room for disruptions – it is at the parent’s discretion when to use it
Point 7 – this is condescending – parent’s should be allowed to use common sense
Point 8 – I had a wriggly toddler. If I had to take him to walk outside, I would not have seen the inside if a church for 7 months at least – he NEVER sat still – he has come through it now and “number 2” is not as bad – but you feel at your WITS END if you have a wandering toddler already: don’t rub it in with point 8 – have mercy!
Point 9 is hilarious!!! What do you find more distracting? Parents taking toddlers out to the toilet, or a puddle of urine on your pew? We don’t go for a joke. Anyone potty trained a 2 yr old lately? No!? Oh – it shows.
Point 10 – why not put the onus on the parish to provide a nice big selection of soft and quiet toys for parents & toddlers to make use of? Problem solved – everyone knows kids prefer toys that don’t belong to them anyway. And a nice selection of pencils, colouring sheets and Jesus books would also help. And I hope you have children’s liturgy with all these noisy kids in your parish to entertain and educate.
Point 11 – breast or bottle feeding should be mentioned. Some breastfeeding mothers are far too paranoid and discreet in the first place – they need encouragement / anyone who has a problem with this needs to pray for the gift of purity – it will be freely given by God. And snacks keep them quiet – when they are chewing the are not squealing – you can’t have it all ways if you don’t like noisy kids in church…
Point 12 – absolutely agree – but this is not for parents – all parishioners should be reminded not to leave the sanctuary without consuming the Eucharist there and then.
Next few points great …
Point 16 – “appropriate firmness”- look, this is not about firmness – it is about the parents having burning thirst to transmit the faith to their children – a love which consumes them and wants them to “get” Mass… So we need to pray for each other so we have that burning love of Jesus and his Eucharist so much so we would do anything to get our children to fall in love with them too. The bad old days of beating it into them have gone I am told ;-)
I was interested in all the comments about breastfeeding in Church. I like the suggested paragraph (and whole post) by Mhari.
My experience…
I have breastfed 5 children and feed totally on demand in the first 6 months, which often falls during Mass. My husband sings in the choir and the older children serve at the altar, so I sit with the younger children by myself. If I had to go out to feed, or to a different location, this would either mean I would miss most of mass most weeks, or there would be a lot of disruption whilst I and all the small ones relocated to the family room. Including a screaming hungry baby. If you are in the front pew the other children can see better so are better behaved (in my experience) and it is easy to cover up.
I have NEVER had a negative comment (maybe people were offended but too polite to say?), and I have had a large number of people actually coming up to me and specifically voicing their approval. I have also had people offering to hold baby for me, not realising I was feeding – they thought he was asleep in my arms!
I agree that breastfeeding in public is currently a relative taboo in our society and some people do react against it. I strongly feel that we feeding mothers can change this, by being discreet when we feed, but not trying to hide ourselves away. We need to let people see that his is perfectly natural. If people are more used to breastfeeding happening in public they won’t be offended. And I agree that the objectification of women plays a large part in negativity towards breastfeeding. This should not happen in a Church. (Objectification of women I mean). I also think it is a problem which occurs in the developed world. I would be astonished to find negative comments regarding breastfeeding from a congregation in I don’t know, South America, or Africa. Maybe I’m incorrect, any comments?
One of our children was always extremely restless during Mass, from about the age of 6 months to about 18 months, despite our bring soft toys and books to distract him, and doing all the things already mentioned in the original post. This was really difficult for me but other members of the congregation were really supportive. It was a student chaplaincy at the time, with no family room, so for the real screams I just had to rush for the door. I often missed a lot of Mass but persevered in going every week. Now this child is a college choirboy and also a regular altar server! Worth all the effort. I do worry though that asking people to “go for a walk outside the church” might make a nervous mum not want to set foot inside.
The article has a supportive feel and I would feel welcomed in a parish if it were given to me. I think a lot of parents at our parish “family Mass” could do a lot better in encouraging their children to be a bit more still and centered. It is good they are there each week though!
Perhaps there could be a mention for those who don’t have children, to consider what a difficult job parents of young children have getting to Mass each week, so they may be able to react in a loving way? I appreciate some people may expect the church to be a silent place with no moving distractions, but if we encourage children to be there then this just isn’t possible. I think if people were encouraged to expect to see children in Mass, they would be less distracted and more able to pray.
Thanks to everyone for your very thoughtful comments. There is no time to respond to everything properly; and of course these are not my ideas but come from a parish I know. If an updated version comes out with some of your suggestions incorporated then I’ll post it for you!
Always felt that anxious parents are as much a cause as disturbed, edgy children. Children read the moods of those around and react accordingly. Hold them close, let them hear the beat of your heart, feel the warmth of your love. And to priests, never, never call out “noisy” parents or children during Mass. Your care and concern is what they need to feel and hear.
These are the basic rules I’ve observed in nearly 40 years as a priest.
Amen x
Amen, and thank you. My youngest was born with gallstones and multiple food intolerances that gave him painful wind or made him sick (when I ate them). H could be seeming fine and then suddenly have an attack and scream with no warning. I made sure to tell my priests about his issues after he did this during Mass and the priest became flustered. He never commented after that.
Likewise my daughter is very verbal and processes things by talking through them. Now, at 3, she is ale to speak quietly, but this hasn’t always been the case. I have been very thankful for the Msgr at my parish who is very understanding (besides, her comments were usually religious, like pointing out the statues, asking Mary to pray for us, etc). Of course I told her she needed to use a quieter voice, but 2-year-olds aren’t known for quiet.
My observation as well, children feed on the emotions around them. I belong to a small parish and for years walked other people’s babies and toddlers so that they could relax. I was present at several Masses for one reason or another (RCIA team, end of Mass talks, a ‘lesser musican,(if I didn’t paly, it reaaly didn’t matter) etc. etc.) and therefore missing a part of Mass didn’t matter as much. Time with those children was the best ‘ministry’ I was ever a part of. We walked where we wouldn’t distract – and often I would whisper – there is Jesus, or point out a saint in a staned glass window. Imagine my thrill when one child’s first word was ‘Jesuis’, looking at Him on the cross.
This isn’t always a feasible solution and it worked in this small intimate parish. What I want to convey is that there are many many creative solutions and that I would find a church that has no infants cry or children squirming or fussing a sterile place to be. those who are disturbed by these sounds, pray! Pray for this next generation that is the future of our church. Pray for the parents, pray for the parish, pray for the priest!
No.11 would really alienate breastfeeding mothers. I was aghast to find that my, natural, way of feeding my baby was excluded from being acceptable! It is out of touch with scientific evidence and guidelines (that breastfeeding is best for your child – exclusively for the first 6 months – and that doing so on demand works best) – see http://abm.me.uk/breastfeeding-information/breastfeeding-in-public/)
I presume that the law on breastfeeding in public places without discrimination includes churches. I think this is the most up to date UK law: http://www.maternityaction.org.uk/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/breastfeedingpublicplace.pdf. Mothers are naturally discreet about breastfeeding and certainly aren’t out to expose themselves or offend.
Tips like religious colouring pages/pictures and lighting candles in prayer are good because they work at a child’s level so will involve them. It is definitely good to get settled and spiritually connected by trying to arrive early and having quiet time. However, for infants, being quiet and keeping still – even for short periods – is not in their nature at their stage of development and we must respect that. They usually need a sleep in the morning so they may be irritable if they are missing their sleep or coming up to it
At our church there is a ‘Child’s Mass’ which relieves stress on parents and children, creating a more relaxed, tolerant atmosphere with everyone in the same boat. You get used to the hum of noise, pestering and movement and it is possible to concentrate, at least for some of the Mass. At least then we are all part of it and the children get their blessings (not much point wandering around outside!) There is a ‘Crying Room’ for infants, with speakers so parents can hear the Mass. For school age there is a liturgy group during the first half hour and the Priest comes into school so the children there know and like him. These things work well and include children so there is no need for potentially (if unmeaning) patronising or inconsiderate suggestions.
On little things like snacks, toys etc.. I think it is best to let the parent decide what works best for their individual child without being made to feel guilty. If a child is too young to understand then they can’t be disrespectful. Understanding and respect grows later – it doesn’t need to be imposed from the start.