Is boarding school bad for you? Stefanie Marsh, in a trenchant and fairly one-sided article, looks at the work of psychotherapist Joy Schaverien. In her paper ‘Boarding School: The Trauma of the Privileged Child’, Schaverien claims to identify something called Boarding School Syndrome, an emotional dysfunction stemming primarily from the trauma of early separation from one’s parents, that manifests itself in intimacy problems in later life.
Eton College
In Schaverien’s words:
Parents bankrupt themselves to send their children to school when they are just babies really. This is a terrible burden for the child. But it is like sending a child into care. Nowadays there are duvets on the beds and they are allowed teddy bears but it doesn’t make up for the fact that children leave their mothers, their primary attachment figures, when they are essentially still babies.
Stefanie Marsh fills in some of the psychological details:
‘Attachment theory’, a core tenet of contemporary psychology, was formulated by the psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, who, in the Second World War, observed the effects on children who had lost parents or been evacuated. During the 1980s, his theories were extrapolated and applied to adults – separation anxiety and grief in childhood, it is now commonly held, can create different ‘attachment styles’ in adult romantic relationship: secure-avoidant, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant.
Boarding school ‘survivors’, as they have been collectively termed by the psychotherapist Nick Duffell, are said to most frequently exhibit avoidant styles, viewing themselves as self-sufficient, invulnerable to attachment feelings and not needing close relationships. Often they suppress their feelings, cope with rejection by distancing themselves from partners or feel uncomfortable with emotional or physical closeness.
So this isn’t about identifying particular problems that can develop in the culture of a boarding school, it’s about the very fact of being separated from one’s parents at an ‘early’ age. I think the focus is more on those who board at ‘prep’ school, i.e. those who leave home not at 13, but sometime between the ages of 7 and 13. (David Cameron went to board at prep school at age 7; Stephen Fry at 7; Boris Johnson at 9; Price William at 8; Sienna Miller at 8…)
What do you think? What’s your own experience? Is there another side to this story?
[Times, Modern section, 23 June, pp. 4-5; subscription only]
I agree with Stephanie Marsh.
I am a new wife to a very damaged ex boarder and we are now going to therapy for his difficulty in bonding and being emotional.
Father,
she doesn’t seem to deal with children sent to State boarding schools – a useful control group at the very least, I would have thought – and seems to impose a single model of mother-son relationship as being “right”. She doesn’t compare children of that class who didn’t go to boarding school either.
I work with quite a few men (and a very few women) who went to public or private school as boarders and apart from a certain self-confdence which is common to most, there seems to be little to distinguish them from the rest of us.
Having worked with abused and neglected children, with the accompanying training as well as hands on experience, the important time is from birth to four years old. If a child has a loving mother/ family and is held, cared for and loved, then that child can handle and accept so many things in life. If that child has never known being held and loved then that is where the attachment disorder has its roots.
That being said, I did not go to boarding school, but know some fine people who did. I think that a strong and loving home sets a child up for success, and the child who is not held close and loved from birth has a long road alone.
It is the rare individual who can rise up from adversity, but those who are loved can travel many paths.
It is interesting that the wealth that God wanted for Jesus was the wealth of two parents who loved one another and who were essentially very present to him throughout his childhood; Mary was a housewife and Joseph was a (self employed?) carpenter. Jesus’ later heroic, generous and self-sacrificing love was founded on the security of knowing himself profoundly loved; including the congruence of Mary and Joseph’s teaching on the loving nature of God and Jesus’ experience of the loving nature of his parents.
The other day I saw a little boy (aged about 7 and a boarder), his eyes filled with tears, essentially being told to ‘pull himself together’ for the important business of Mass. A god who requires little boys to be separated from the tender embrace of their mothers and, to boot, to suppress those natural tears in order that he may be worshipped is not the Father I know, but a monster and an adult projection.
Having been both a boarder and a day pupil at different stages of my schooling, I would never send a child of mine to boarding school unless there really was no other option. I don’t think there is necessarily a problem with boarding per se, it depends upon the age and temperament of the child, the ethos of the school itself and also the reasons why the child is being required to board, but I don’t think parents always stop to think about how dangerous it can be to hand over control of their child’s upbringing to a third party (I may be a control freak, but I wouldn’t trust anyone to care as much about my children’s welfare as I do!) With the best will in the world, if a child develops emotional problems these may not be picked up in an institutional environment in the same way they would at home (I found this to be particularly true of conditions such as self-harm and eating disorders which can easily slip under the radar). In the end, it seems to me quite obvious that a happy family is the best environment in which to nurture a child but in the world we live in boarding school may represent the best possible alternative in some cases.
I have some friends that have gone to boarding schools. Many of them loved them! You have to see for yourself. A site that has some good information on boarding schools in the US is Teen Boarding Schools
Angela, are you real? This post seems a little too pat. I’m guessing that you are connected to the website you link in your post.
B
I boarded from age 6 in the early 60’s, no teddies, no weekends at home just days out very occasionally; the memories haunt me still. For me there really was no love and I do recognize that sudden moment of knowing that I was alone – terrible emotions to try to cope with. And that you have swapped a parent for the company of other children pretty much all the time, so that it becomes almost impossible to be alone and feel secure. Small children trying to manage and survive emotionally in an institution where adults can become the ‘other’ as opposed to a consistent and loving presence.
:O( x
I boarded from 8 to 18 in the 1970s. I was not bullied or abused, and at the time would have told you I was perfectly happy living at school. But the long-term consequences of those 10 years have been brutal, particularly in the area of intimacy.
I can still, at the age of 49, induce a knot in my stomach by remembering the feeling of awakening in a dormitory room with 10 or 11 other boys, a bare light bulb hanging from the ceiling, and realizing that I was not in the safe realm of my dreams. Those were some of the most joltingly lonely moments of my entire life.
Reading Duffel’s “The Making of Them” a couple of year’s ago was such a huge relief – allowing me to see that I was not a freak or losing my mind.
I still struggle to maintain my relationship with my American wife. I would never dream of sending my children away, and nor would my brothers.
I am returning to psychotherapy soon in the fervent hope that I can figure out a way to live the rest of my life without alienating those closest to me – and they do not include my family of birth for they were lost long ago
Andy thank you for sharing your experiences, my first husband experienced exactly those same struggles. He sadly could not manage to overcome the institutional way of life that made it difficult to maintain relationships.
However he has learnt to live in his separation with a kindness towards others, whereby he can retreat if it all gets to much, and this works for him. And his children love him in his kindness regardless. Big Hug x
P.S It is sadly ironic, and you hear it again and again, that the very same things hated as a child about living as a boarder, are the very same ways that many of those children as adults end up living by.
I was boarded as a missionary child at the age of six for three months (mid 70’s) at a time. I, too, vividly recall, to this day, the moment when I realized my parents were not coming back for me (eventually they did, but I could not comprehend “time” at that age). I was watching the days pass on a calendar, wondering which day they were coming back. An older girl showed me the date, after turning page after page on the calendar. Something died in me that day. I have not had any contact with my parents in about 10 years. I married a man with Asperger’s (and then divorced). I crave affection, but can’t tolerate it unless the person is somewhat a stranger, which doesn’t bode well for intimate relationships. My best friend lives 5 hours away, and my significant other lives over an hour away and I see him 3 times a year. I like it that way–I *need* it that way. I was in therapy for 13 years and have been on anti-anxiety/anti-depression medication for just about as long. I am a strong woman, but there is no doubt I am alone, and prefer it that way on most levels. I have accepted that this is something that will always be with me, but it still strikes me as sad sometimes.
I boarded from the age of 8. Look closely at a kid aged 8, ask yourself why you would desire to leave the child with strangers. Utterly appalling idea and not something I would ever consider with my own kids – ever.
The fact that Cameron and Johnson went to boarding school under the age of ten makes the case AGAINST boarding schools an undeniable conviction.
The men are like spoilt brats with no empathy for anyone outside of their class and ultra-elitist circles. They have no moral centre whatsoever. Also their educational knowledge of other cultures and history outside of ruling elite interests is zero. They have no People’s History empathy for the world at all.
So even in academic terms putting outside moral and political considerations they fail and the schools they attended fail too. Then there is Cameron’s idea and education of economics where in his regime is currently draining the British economy with austerity as his primary mechanism for growth. Of course it is not working other than to make all the social problems even more severe. So much for the value of the world’s most elite education. His hypocritical verbal attacks on Syria’s President Assad may well have little to do with the slaughter of the Syrian people and far more to do with the chances of Assad having bullied Cameron at Eton.
I read the comments here with great interest, and I particular emphasised with those from Andy Forbes. I was a boarding school in the 1970s (from the age of 7) and there was a culture of control and abuse. I continue to pay the price through lack of ability to form strong intimate relationships, lack of self esteem and so on. Andy’s comments on how he felt on seeing where he was on waking each day in that dorm brought tears to my eyes as I felt the same sense of utter aloneness. I have sought therapy several times over the last few years and I am now seeing someone with my wife to try and save my marriage. Both my brothers were at the same school, and the burden of the loneliness, abuse and pressure was tragically too much for my eldest brother to bear and he is no longer with us.
I find great comfort in your words. I too spent more than 10 years in boarding school in the 70s. I at a girls school and my two brothers at a boys school. My younger brother the most gifted and academic of the three of us ended up deadicating his life to state education. He as your brother could not manage his burden and committed suicide in his twenties. I have a difficult time communicating with my remaining family. The words utter lonliness ring so true to me. I felt that bad people were sent away as a child.
My parents told me I was going to be snt away and to this day…..i’m nearly fifty I feel it was because I was essentially bad. Hearing that others feel this desperate is of great comfort. Thankyou.
P
Hi Philippa, I was in boarding school from 5 to 19 starting in ’71. It has taken me until now to face up to what happened to me. I sought relief in uber-achievement trying to be accepted and when that did not work, I would go through bouts of alcohol abuse. I left a trail of emotional destruction in my wake with many dear people hurt by my selfishness. The answer is to face it with the grace of God and to forgive those who sent you and to forgive yourself. I salute you. You have trodden the lonely path, but indeed, we are not alone.
I’m 59, i have reaad all these comments and can identify with all of them, but most particularly with B’s. I have never managed to overcome this, but i find it usefull to consider it the kind of damage that one picks up through life unintentionally,like my broken thumb 20 years ago that still does not work quite as it should and aches on a very regular basis.
I drove past the place some years ago to see how it felt, and was unexpectedly physically sick.
Unlike David, i cannot forgive, ever.
My experience was a boarding school for missionary children. I can not get past the idea that I was given away so that my parents could do god’s work. I can not reconcile the idea of a loving god with what I experienced as a child. I do not hate god, but I can not change how I feel (don’t feel) toward organized religion. When I tried to reach out to churches for help, they turned away, unable to see any negative in their “save the world” missionary programs. I can only hope that if there is a god and an eternal life, he will have mercy on my scarred soul, because I have nothing.
God is Love ~ what happened to you AK doesn’t sound much like Love ~ keep on turning towards the little specks of wonder and Love that happen upon us all each day ~ however small ~ for they are of God. It will not change the past but it might change the present which will have an effect upon the future.
You do have hope ~ and t’is said that ‘hope is the anchor of the soul’. x
hello everyone I am fascinated by this article and your comments. I am a writer working on the effects of boarding school, I would love to hear from you at my own blog sally fraser writes or at Boarding School Action, where you can find out more about the arguments surrounding boarding.
Since I wrote my above remarks I am now thinking more like Cameron and his mates bullied Assad than the other way around. One reason why Assad will never give in to the bastards. When Cameron backed the fundamentalist rebels in Libya and started another criminal imperialist war I wrote on the Downing Street website that his “no fly zone” was a deceit and that rebels he was backing would destroy Libya and then move on to Syria. But hey I did not have a boarding school education so what do I know ? Other than all of it and worse has since come true. The ISIS he now rants on about in Iraq is the same one he backed in Syria born out of his infantile boarding school ,neo colonialist mentality adventure in Libya. For all his faults Assad should never give in to these sods…and did you notice how when the wave of anti-Assad hysteria in our media took place it was the BBC and The Daily Telegraph who jointly got access to boarding school alumni President Assad…for their joint exclusive interview. The toffs had his phone number on their mobile list.
Jus, Philipa, David and Jim,
52 and “a knot in my stomach” sums up reading your comments. I haven’t tried re-visiting my old school, and curious about it but doubt I will. Unmarried and living on the otherside of the world. What you all say rings to true!
Thanks
Geo
[…] Is boarding school bad for you? | Bridges and Tangents – Jul 17, 2011 · Is boarding school bad for you? Stefanie Marsh, in a trenchant and fairly one-sided article, looks at the work of psychotherapist Joy Schaverien…. […]
There were lots of angry boarders at my school. Funny they weren’t what I would call bullies. I knew many of the local bullies in other state schools … they just hit other kids for “fun”. The boarders had this kind of internalised anger that is difficult to explain…
http://www.pearshapedcomedy.com/Lowe.html
… some of them anyway. Others seemed not that bothered. I think it depended on the reasons why their parents had sent them there. For some reason the overseas students seemed to adapt better. “We need to send you away for your schooling” doesn’t seem as emotionally credible when daddy just lives down the road.
63 female survivor of boarding school from 9 years of age. The dislocation from family is expulsion and the distrust of your mother who abandoned you never goes away. Why blame my mother and lesser blame my father – she too was a victim of boarding school and should have known better – he was a convert to the Catholic system and didn’t “back” me when I asked not to have to return. Overwhelmingly abandoned by family and emotionally abused by the nuns.
I’m currently 15 and I’ve been boarding for the past year and a half. I just started a new boarding school as I had to leave my other one. The experience I’ve had leads me to tell parents that some kids fit into boarding, but others do NOT. Admittedly it does get slightly more tolerable, stay for a term(at least), but if they still don’t like it I would highly advise to take him/her out as soon as possible. The past year and a half have honestly been the worst experience of my life. I don’t think I could live with myself if I subjected my child to this.
Brenton,
Hang in there. I (and others) totally relate. I don’t think the kids who fit in come out unscathed – its simply hidden and pops out at a later date – in my 30’s for me – and still ongoing. I boarded from age 9 through 17 starting in the mid seventies. Some of my friends and my brother (at age 7(!!)) were also put in these institutions at similar ages. It was a thing to do – our parents had also been boarders. Not one of us have ever sent our kids to a boarding school. We chose to break that boarding cycle. Home is where children belong as you say. Not in an institution where supervision is inadequate. Its hard enough to look after two kids with two adults! Never mind two adults with 40+ boarders! Fortunately there is a lot of literature out there on the effects of this (see boardingschoolsurvivors.co.uk) which was not available in the 70s and 80s. They also have advice for children like yourself as to who to call for help- including the authorities such as police and child protection services – don’t hesitate to use them if you need them. If you don’t live in the UK, then reach out to these services in your country. Looking to the future, your understanding of what you are going through will make you a great parent one day! Don’t give up hope. Things get better.
I was in a long-term relationship with a man who spent all his formative years in Catholic boarding schools. He sadly had pretty significant anger issues and problems with attachment/intimacy. He did not understand emotions – not his nor anybody’s. He is unable to cry and finds himself vexed when someone cries in his presence. He was forced to attend Mass everyday at 5:30am – he no longer believes in God. I don’t blame him. He has no lifelong friends and but has lots and lots of shallow friendships. The experience overall hardened him. It’s really sad because underneath the solidified hardened exterior was a perfectly delightful human being – his parents chose to wreck that for the sake of a bit of Latin and high maths marks. Reading these comments and this article breaks my heart. How nauseating to realize you’re parents aren’t coming back. The scars of the experience are lifelong. They last decades. Sadly, the relationship ended because the BS experience left him without empathy or understanding of emotions. Hopefully there are effective compassionate mental health clinicians out there who can aide the the recovery from this type of experience.
I’ve read this article and comments with interest as my partner of 11 years, boarded as a young boy of 7 for a few years in the 1970’s. His father sadly died a few years earlier and his mother felt her sons could do with being amongst men at boarding school. He often talks of the loneliness, tear stained letters, having to get on with it, termly mothering Sundays, etched memories of waking in the scary night time dormitory…
He now most definitely has attachment issues which I find myself often taking the rap for as I am way more overt with my emotions than he and he cannot handle it. He has a very independent, quite aloof, sanctimonious character and yet sometimes I see a brief glimpse of craving for love or he will actually sometimes criticize me for a lack of support. I love him very much but I’m not sure if we are going to make it….so I would like to try to understand how to better support him by asking those of you out there who experience this ‘boarding school syndrome’ of emotional attachment issues – what do you need from a partner? Do you need more or less ‘space’? how should a partner present their emotional needs? what helps/doesn’t help in your relationships?
Thank you
I will post more later, but for now let me suggest two things. First, get a copy of the book “The Making of Them” by Nick Duffell. You can also find the documentary by the same name on Youtube. Second, search for “boarding school survivors” online – lots of stuff out there which helps explain what is going on with your partner, in particular by Joy Schaverien, who coined the phrase “boarding school survivor”.
I agree with Andy. Get that book and watch the video. Also “boarding school syndrome” by Joy Schaverien. Also another book called “Trauma, Privilege and abandonment” by Thurstine Basset and Nick Duffell. The last one is more aimed at therapists, but there is a lot of useful information as to how to go about recovery. Including excercises which are difficult, but part of the recovery.
I’m in the recovery process myself. I went to BS in 1975 thru 1982. Went through 4 different boarding houses in the process. Unsurprisingly, I’ve always suffered from belonging issues! Currently live 2 long haul flights from where I grew up and where my family still resides. I’m pretty disconnected from them – distance doesn’t help and I pretty much have a telephone relationship with my parents and brother. That was a feature of my boarding years. Currently at the age of 51, I’m trying to figure out how to reconnect with them, but this is a bit of a challenge.
Based on the above books, I’ve been in therapy for the last 6 months using the Trauma, Privilege and Abandonment as a roadmap for my recovery with the help of the therapist. After 40 odd years, I’ve finally had the courage to start opening up to my wife, two sons and close friends (loose definition for an ex boarder!). I’ve spoken about the abuse & corporal punishment and general day to day life there, plus the reality of being really utterly lonely most of the time at the places, despite being surrounded by lots of other people. I built these massive walls to keep people out, so I would not be hurt. They are pretty solid and take a lot to break them down. I still retreat to them when under pressure.
I really started in earnest about 2 years ago, when I stumbled across “the making of them” and started to read. I was feeling strange because my kids reached the age I went to school at. By chance we had put them in a school that had uniforms, and I had a severe reaction to the uniforms – nightmares. PTSD like, and I couldn’t sleep properly for days on end.
As my kids grew and you see how vulnerable they are (one is now 10 and the other 14), I see what I missed out and buried away all those years ago. This kept rattling me. I would look at my 10 year old and think what the hell were my parents thinking putting someone that age into an institution? Well the bill had come due. Before I read the book, I used to think I was crazy as I had a hard time making and keeping friends and had strange reactions. Girlfriends were a challenge and I ended up finally getting married in my mid thirties after an initial bought of therapy in my early thirties after a breakdown after a failed relationship. They unfortunately did not pick up the issue of boarding (we tend to abandon therapy too soon when we think things are all right). So the bill had not been paid yet! Therapy has only resumed now.
Also there is a lot of information on the web. Also don’t forget to search for residential school syndrome which highlights the plight of our Native North American brothers. Reading their stories and other non native boarder stories is heart rending. Especially of those who suffered severe sexual abuse to add to the injury. They are also boarding school survivors as mentioned above. Its been a long slog I must say, but worth it. I still suffer from withdrawal and then re engagement with my family. I turn on a knife edge. But my immediate family is aware of my boarding back ground, so they are more understanding, as you will become. One of the major drivers for us is a chronic fear of abandonment, with your inner strategic survival personality trying to protect you from loss, which was useful in your childhood, but a pain in adult life, especially for those who have to live with you! Also actually very painful for you, as you end up missing the connections to people, which is what really makes us happy in life.
Much like you, my wife complains of me being arrogant, cold and withdrawn and then going the other way! A typical symptom as you described. There is still work to be done. I still have a tendency to isolate myself. I’m still hyper vigilant expecting danger from people where there really is none. I have trust issues. Still addicted to my survival personality. But I’m more aware of myself now, so I’m starting to catch myself some of the times. I’m starting to train my family to ask me if its the boarding school talking as a way of getting me out of a typical reaction! It took 8 years to get out of the boarding school, but I think its going to be a lifetime to get the boarding school out of me!
Don’t give up on the guy. He really needs a lot of love. But bear in mind he probably has major trust issues. You may have to say to him that he is in a safe place and that you are not going to hurt him. Ultimately everyone of us ex boarders have to take charge of our own recovery. If necessary, get him enrolled in therapy which helps massively. If you are in the UK (I’m not), there are some good therapists who deal with us ex boarders. Tell him he is not alone, and there are other poor bastards like myself trying to move from survival into living!
I’ve got to put the kids to bed. Hopefully I made myself fairly clear! Sorry for the rushed response.
Wish him best of luck from this recovering ex boarder! I’m looking forward to reading Andy’s response.
I watched the video you mentioned above and also came across a series of 10 short documentary clips called “All God’s Children: the ultimate sacrifice”. My story is almost identical, although the school is different. I was abandoned at boarding school at the age of 6 so my parents could be better missionaries. The issues and thoughts I have had over the years were voiced by those on the documentary. Very well done film, if anyone is interested.
Thank you for the info on the documentary. I started watching, but I need to be in the right space to watch. Its too disturbing, as you know what is coming. What got me is the comment “we were always praying for you”. Which is the exact comment my mother made in an email to me the other day as I’m trying to reconnect with them…Her comment also that it was a safe place for us. Little did she know. I need to have that conversation with her, but I’m not sure where it will go….She is old and not well, so I’m torn between just letting things rest and deal with it myself and having the conversation…Mind you I’ve started things, so the roller coaster is running…
I took forever to watch “the making of them”. I also took forever to watch “Spud”, which rather blithely illustrated some rather common assaults by pupils on other pupils, due to negligent supervision by staff. The reality these places are largely negligent in their supervision. Myself, having only 2 kids, its a full time job to keep an eye on things. Most of the time there were only 1 to 2 housemasters “looking after” 80+ kids (40+ in lower school). They really stood no chance. So we were pretty much left to our own devices. Not a good place to be. Physical and verbal assault was quite common, and after a while, you figured out that if you were not physically strong or sharp with your tongue, you better keep your mouth shut and try and be polite to the bigger boys in the hope they would leave you alone. This was particularly true in the early years. As you went up the system, you got stronger and were better able to defend yourself or unfortunately shift the bullying to some other poor kid – which adds to the guilt in the back of my own head as I’m sure I participated in that from time to time. You also formed allies who would be able to help you. A lot is made mention (quite rightly so) of despicable assault by adults , but your fellow pupils were no picnic either. And you were no picnic either. So you have to forgive yourself as well.
Another movie to watch is If…(1968) on youtube. What a bizarre system. there is no model of child development that supports raising kids in an institution.
Shane– The words that trigger the most anxiety for me include, “I’m praying for you”, “Jesus loves you”, etc. Those words don’t have the same meaning for me as they do to those who say them.
My wife is a religious boarding school kid. She is still messed up and just got worse after 26 years of marriage. Dismissive-avoidant and Borderline personality disorder as well as Narcissistic. She would seek to destroy me in any way she could. But, my will to succeed won. I now have a Masters Degree in Psychological Counseling. Now that the kids are older I will divorce her for my own mental health. The US Marine Corps trained me well and it paid off. I was able to withstand her daily assaults by verbal, emotional, and mental jousting with sarcasm. And most of all my faith in Christ was key to my success.