A friend introduced me to a branch of psychology called ‘self-determination theory’. It looks at how human beings grow and mature in the context of their relationships and their social environment.
The theory suggests that there are three basic needs that we all have in our journey towards psychological maturity and well-being: autonomy, relatedness, and competence.
‘Autonomy’ is our need to be ourselves, to have a sense of freedom and responsibility for who we are and for the choices we make. ‘Relatedness’ is our need to connect with others, in love and friendship; and the need to belong in wider ways, through different types of community and communication. ‘Competence’ highlights the fact that it is not enough just to discover ourselves or to belong. We also need to have a purpose, a role, a skill, something to contribute to a bigger project. It’s not just that we want to be valued in the subjective eyes of others; we also want to be objectively valuable.
I found this very useful, thinking about the different kinds of social environments I have belonged to in my life, and the subtle motivations and needs that have been in play there: in my family, school, college, workplace, seminary, parish, etc. All three basic needs have been present, jostling with each other, often hardly acknowledged. What happens if one need is not met? If you have lots of personal freedom but no commitment to others? If you give and receive lots of love but have nothing worthwhile to do? If you have much to give but no-one to give it to?
It struck me that the different needs are represented by our names. I know how much the tradition of naming varies in each culture. Your first name is personal. It’s not unique (there are many Stephens in the world), but it points to your individuality within your own family, to your autonomy. Your surname is your family name; it signifies your relatedness to your family in the present, and to the family as it extends back into the past – but often only on your father’s side! And many surnames used to represent your competence, your social role: Smith, Potter, Thatcher, Fisher, Cook, Bowman, Mason, etc.
And what about middle names? Quite often in Britain a middle name is a way of connecting an individual with a particularly loved relation, e.g. an uncle or aunt, a grandfather and grandmother. Or it’s just another random personal name. The Chinese custom is particularly interesting. You are given a personal name, the same as in Britain. But you are also given a generational name – something we don’t have in the British tradition. It’s a name given to all the males or females in your generation, across the extended family. So if you are a boy, you share this generational name with your brothers and with all your male first cousins. If you are a girl, you share a different name with all your sisters and with all your female first cousins. It shows this extra level of relatedness within the family.
Bridges and Tangents 
This reminded me of my Granddad talking about his equilibrium theory. It seems that when all things are equally in play, levitation of ones life, or maturity and the fulness of being can begin (my words not his) (He was far more practical)
all things living transcend, but not when things are ‘out of kilter’. God understood, thats why He made man and women!
I was born at 5.30 on Easter Sunday. My middle name is Marie and very very special to me.
My maiden surname gives me the lucky dozen number 13 which also is totally special.
I always wondered if we were to pass on the female name what my real surname would be today!
My maiden initials and todays initials seem to be both highly significant to me, Maybe one day there will be a connection.
On my husbands side of the family (once upon a time they were upper class) they have passed on the grandmothers surname and taken it as middle name, and so our children have 4 names in total one of which matches their siblings, cousins and dads and uncles middle name.
The inherited name worryingly means Long slow hill…….! :O/
Alas I guess eventually one transcends if you don’t roll backwards :O)
A particularly interesting post for many of us interested in Genealogy.
Interested to learn about the middle names shared in Chinese families of the same generation. Some British families like to add a middle name which is a Surname passed down through the generations.
I was given an unusual middle name and although I knew that my Father and Grandfather had had the same middle name I decided not to pass it on to my children because of the teasing I had had at school. It was only many years later that I discovered it had been a Surname of an ancestor before her marriage and every subsequent generation since had had the name as a middle name. I had actually been responsible for putting an end to the tradition in the family by giving my children ‘proper’ Christian names.
Its funny how strongly we get attached to things.
One day I want my old initials back again!
That’s really neat. I like the Chinese idea. Maybe my sisters and I will do it when we have families!
If you have much to give but no-one to give it to?
A lot of old people belong to the group above. They are the last of their kin and have no-one left in the world. Sad but true,- I know a few of them.
I like this theory as it places all people within a society and emphasises the purpose of people in that society, rather than purely seeing them as individuals existing for their own sake.
Happy New Year Father Stephen and to all my fellow Bridges and Tangents readers!